It's the End of Life As We Know It
by SoScuby
Summary: SEQUEL to Trust Is A Two Way Street. Catherine and Sara decide to expand their family. What madness will ensue? How will this affect their relationship? Is this the end of life as they know it or the beginning of something much better? Ch 5 up--ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: We don't own 'em…**

**Chapter 1: Catherine**

I never thought I could be as happy as I am now. The last three months have been wonderful. I must admit, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop—something bad has to happen. Even with that in mind, I'm living like there is no tomorrow.

Every moment with Sara is precious and sacred. Each of us having come within a breath of death sorta puts things in perspective. If I had lost her—well, I don't know how I would have coped.

I find myself watching her more and more since she moved in with us. Sometimes, on those rare nights when I'm home and not working, I watch the light stream in through the curtains in our bedroom and fall across her features. She always looks so peaceful and childlike in that light. Or I manage to come home early and catch her dancing and singing around the living room when she thinks no one is watching. Watching her shower through the glass door is one of my favorite things to do—seeing how she moves her hands over her skin and through her hair.

As much as I enjoy each of those, I just discovered my new favorite sight. I'm standing in the doorway of our bedroom and she's standing in front of the mirror. She turns to look at her profile and it takes my breath away. She's smiling sheepishly as she holds the pillow in place underneath with arm and runs her other hand over the curved protrusion. Her smile turns to a frown and she takes the pillow out and tosses it back on the bed.

I watch her looking at her reflection a moment longer before deciding to approach her.

"Whatcha doing?" I query as I slide my arms around her waist and rest my chin on her shoulder.

"Just looking in the mirror. Nothing special." She takes a moment before adding, "I'm getting old. Look at me. I look like a hag next to you. Why would you want to be with this?" she moves her hand up and down to motion to her body.

"You're beautiful--whether you think it or not," I whisper in her ear. "And I'm incredibly lucky to have you."

We're looking at each other in the mirror, enjoying the comfortable silence that surrounds us. My hands roam over the small expanse of her stomach.

She groans, "I still think you're suffering some sort of permanent damage from California. It's either that or you're just crazy." She tries to twist out of my arms but I tighten my grip on her.

"Crazy in love with you," is my only answer. I loosen my grip on her and she turns instantly and slaps me lovingly on the shoulder.

"You're such a sap! Where do you come up with these things? Do you have a book around here where you're getting some new saccharin thing to say to me each day?" Her laugh echoes around the room as she backs me up against the bed and falls down on top of me.

I love the way her laugh sounds like sweet music and makes me happy to be alive. It's one of the things I've vowed to hear more of—to make her do more often.

"Do you really think I need a book to come up with things to say to the most beautiful woman in the world?" I pull back and look at her before adding, "You're all the inspiration I need."

She rolls off of me and heads to her side of the bed, pulling the covers back and climbing between them. I quickly follow suit, sliding over and draping an arm over her as I rest my head on her shoulder.

I can sense that Sara wants to talk to me (probably about the whole pillow under the shirt thing I witnessed that she doesn't know I witnessed). Her body language is speaking loud and clear. She's not asleep and not tossing. Every few minutes she lets out a deep sigh. Each time she does, I just snuggle deeper into her side and try not to let her feel how big the smile is on my face. I know that soon enough she'll broach the topic with me.

I don't have to wait too much longer.

"Aren't you even going to ask?" exasperation and frustration tinge the edges of her voice.

"Ask what, baby?" I try hard not to laugh.

She doesn't say anything. I wait. She still doesn't speak.

I resilience crumbles. I take a deep breath and take the plunge, "What's wrong, Sara?"

She faces me and I see a single tear roll down the side of her face, which instantly worries me.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

"I don't know if I can do it, Cath. I know you want to…and I really do want to, but I don't know if I can. What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm really bad? What if it turns out like me? What if…"

I lean forward and quickly kiss her to silence her rant. I pull back and she opens her mouth to speak, so I deftly place my lips against her. I run my tongue over her bottom lip before sliding it between hers. When she relaxes and starts to kiss me back, I bring my hand to her face and pull back.

"I assume you're talking about suggesting we have a baby."

She just nods her head.

"Sar, there are no guarantees and a million what if's when you have a baby. Lindsey wasn't planned and look what a joy she ended up being. And trust me, if there were two people not fit to be parents, they were me and Eddie. You and I, on the other hand, would make wonderful parents."

She's biting her bottom lip, an all-too endearing habit she has.

"Do you think it's too soon? Do you think we should wait? Or do you have doubts about us? That we won't make it this time either?"

"What?" she half shouts before basically jumping out of bed and going to stand in front of the window. "You…you seriously think I have doubts about us? After everything we just went through a few months ago—you can think I have doubts about us?"

I just lay there watching her standing by the window. She sighs heavily and turns her back to me, leaning her head to the side and resting it on the frame around the window.

Almost in a half-whisper she speaks, "You didn't grow up like I did, Cath. Lindsey didn't have to grow up like I did. I know I'm my mother's daughter, but what if I end up more like her than I can stand? I killed someone—a living, breathing, thinking someone—a few months ago." She pauses and turns to face me, "That means that on some level, I _am _already like her."

I've had enough of the whole doubting thing she has going on right now.

"You're nothing like her, Sara."

"How do you know? You never even met her," she says before turning back to stare blankly out the window. "She wasn't always the crazy woman who killed my father. She started out perfectly sane, too."

I sit up in the bed and pull the covers back, "Come here, babe."

She reluctantly joins me back in the bed. I put my arm around her and think about what it is that she really needs to hear right now.

"I don't think you really believe half of that stuff you're saying right now. We both know that you're not your mother. And yes, you did take a life. You took the life of the man that had killed almost everyone who had ever meant anything to you. The man who tortured me, tried to kill you, and who would have killed me if you hadn't found the strength to climb to that roof top. Babe, that doesn't make you weak and it certainly doesn't make you anything like your mother. You're a much strong person than she could have ever dreamt of being. She wasn't strong—she was a coward. She didn't face your dad, she killed him. And you've spent your whole life battling not to turn out like her. And you've done one helluva job."

"But…"

"I saw you…when you were standing in front of the mirror." She looks at me mutely, like I've grown two heads. "You were standing there, with a pillow under your shirt, looking at yourself—trying to picture what you'd look like if you were pregnant."

She blushes profusely. "You were watching me? Why didn't you say something?"

I place my hand over her stomach, "You took my breath away. I'll admit to having tried to picture you pregnant, a round full belly. My imagination didn't do justice to the sight of you standing there the way you were before I came in tonight. I have never seen anyone more beautiful. And you were smiling."

She covers my hand with hers, "I'm scared."

"I'm scared, too. We'd be crazy not to be scared," I assure her.

"What if I do something wrong?"

I can't help but laugh, "Frankly, I'll be surprised if you do anything right in the beginning."

"What if the kid hates me when he grows up?"

"Then you know you did something right, sweetie."

She looks at me like she's just realized she left the oven on while we're on vacation, "I've never changed a diaper before."

"You'll get plenty of practice," I say as I pull her closer to me. "Sara, it's not just about what I want. Yes, I want to have a baby with you—start our own family. But if you're not comfortable with it, I don't want us to try. We don't ever even have to talk about it again. I have you and Lindsey and I'm okay with that."

I kissed her temple and pulled the covers up around us. We both obviously have a lot to think about.

XXXX

Two months, give or take a few days, have passed since Sara and I had our little discussion about a baby. I've pretty much resigned myself to the belief that she's not ready for it. And chances are that if she's not ready now, she'll never be ready.

I suppose there are certain advantages to us not having a baby. I mean, I'm no spring chicken, but I don't see myself as elderly either. Still, if we had a baby now, I would definitely be elderly by the time he or she was in college. Dealing with Lindsey's rebellious teenage years has already taken years off of my life expectancy. I'm not entirely certain I have it in me to do all over again. And feedings at two in the morning? Not to mention an endless necessity to change diapers. Then there's all the hormones that come along with pregnancy. I know how bad I was and Sara's bound to be worse than me. I can't help but smile remembering how great the sex was when I was pregnant—and how often I wanted it. It's not like Sara and I need any help in that department.

Who am I kidding? As hard as I want to talk myself out of us having a baby, it's nearly all I can think about. Despite whatever reservations I have and Sara's list of reasons and concerns, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we'd be able to raise a happy, healthy and productive child. I'm not an age where it would be wise for me to be pregnant—too many complications could be encountered at my age (even if there are grandmothers running around out there having children).

Really, having the house to ourselves in a few years will be great. Not having to worry about parent-teacher conferences or what prom dress to buy will be nice. My insurance rates will settle down with a teenage driver. I won't have to worry about a block of ice settling in the pit of my stomach every time the phone rings and he's not home. I won't have to pretend not to like every guy she brings home just so that I can try to keep our little a girl a little girl for a while longer.

I'm sitting in the break room going over all of this in my mind when in walks the love of my life. She saunters over and gives me a quick peck on the cheek before moaning the word _coffee_ and heading for a fresh pot.

She has a cup in hand and is about to pour a cup when she frowns and sits the pot back down. Instead, she reaches into the community refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of water. I notice her doing that quick motion to her mouth with her hand and taking a swig of water before tossing her head back.

She catches me looking at her and winks at me. "Headache?" I ask.

"No," she answers dismissively.

I study her for a moment. "Then what were you taking?"

"Nothing."

"Sara, you ran out of your pain killers weeks ago—and you said you didn't need any. So what did you take?" It feels like there's something she's not telling me. I'm not particularly fond of evasive behavior. I'm one of those worst-case scenario people. I'm already convinced that's she's hooked on hillbilly heroin. I can envision an intervention, rehab, a relapse and who knows what else.

She shrugs and sighs heavily. "You were right. I have a headache. I took something for it. Of course," she slams her water bottle down on the table right in front of me, "now it's even worse since you have to pretend this is the damn Spanish Inquisition and ask a million and one questions." She quickly turns on her heels and storms out of the room.

I'm still sitting there trying to figure out what the hell just happened when Greg walks in, takes one look at me and turns around and walks back out—more like sprints out. I sit there a few more minutes before picking the bottle of water up that Sara had none too delicately slammed down on the table in front of me and throw it angrily across the room.

Several days pass with me scrutinizing Sara's every move. On two more occasions I see her taking pills. Of course I don't dare broach the subject with her. Instead, I decide to do what any woman would do—snoop.

As soon as my shift is over, I walk into the locker room and head straight to Sara's locker. There's no chance of her walking in and catching me since she and Nick are each pulling a double today. I could, once again, ask her about what she's taking. Of course, she'd probably go completely postal again. I want to avoid another confrontation like the one earlier this week.

I take a deep breath and look around the locker room to make sure I am alone. I reach out, lift the latch on her locker and swing the door open. I can't help but smile at the pictures taped to the inside of her door. There's a picture of the team at Greg's birthday party, a picture of the two of us kissing, and a picture of us with Lindsey at the park. Remembering the real reason I'm standing in front of her now open locker, I start going through the things in her locker. There are a couple of clean shirts and pants wadded up and thrown in there haphazardly. After feeling around for a pill bottle, I come up empty. I'm about to shut the door, when I spy her extra boots in the bottom of the locker. I reach down and slide my hand inside one and then the other—finally coming out with a bottle. A quick glance at the label tells me everything I need to know. I close the door and drop the bottle in my purse.

XXXXX

"Good morning, sunshine," I say to her as she walks through the door practically dead on her feet.

She just eyes me suspiciously as she walks to the fridge and grabs the juice and pours herself a glass.

"There's fresh coffee there if you want some. I managed to con Greg out of enough of his secret stash. I thought you might like some."

She finishes her juice and rinses her glass before putting it in the dishwasher. "No coffee for me. I'm, uh, trying to cut back."

"Trying to cut back? Really? You've never passed up a cup of coffee in your life," I know I'm pushing my luck.

She shoves her hands into her pockets and looks at me crossly. "I am _allowed_ to make changes, aren't I?"

I walk over to her and pull her into a tight hug. "Oh, sweetie, you're allowed to change anything you want to change. You don't have to drink coffee ever again," I stand on my tip-toes and kiss her lightly on the lips. "But you do need to take your vitamins." With that, I put the bottle of prenatal vitamins in her hand and head upstairs to our bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone, so seems like scuby and I are back on business. I'm sorry for the delay, I'm all to blame for this one. Thank you for the reviews.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**

* * *

Chapter 2 : Sara**

"I'm allowed to change, aren't I?" I tell Catherine a bit harshly.

"Oh, sweetie, you're allowed to change anything you want to change. You don't have to drink coffee ever again," she gets on her toes and kisses me on the lips lightly. "But you do need to take your vitamins," she smiles, putting my bottle of vitamins down on the counter.

What the hell?

I go upstairs and barge into our bedroom. Cath is sitting on her side of the bed and she smiles when she sees me. "How dare you snoop in my stuff?" I attack her.

She frowns as her smile immediately fades away. "This is nothing for you to be so worked up about, Sara. If anything, I should be the angry one, but I'm not."

"Angry?"

"Yes, angry."

"I'm not angry," I reply.

"What are you then?"

"I'm upset you'd go snooping through my stuff like you did," I clarify. "Where's the trust?"

"Yeah, Sara, where's the trust?" she echoes my words with an acerbic tone. "You should have told me about the prenatal vitamins. You should have told me you were going to see the doctor, I'd have gone with you."

"It's not what you think."

She laughs a bit, "There's only one thing to think when you find prenatal vitamins in your girlfriend's locker."

"I would agree if those were actually prenatal vitamins."

"I've had a child before, Sara…I think I know why someone takes folic acid."

"Well, you obviously don't. But since your mind is clouded with your little obsession, I didn't really expect you to think any better."

"Excuse me? My obsession?" she looks offended.

"Oh please Cath… I can see that it's the only thing you've been thinking about lately, even when you don't bring the subject up, I know you're thinking about it… about having a baby."

She wraps her arms around herself, as if to protect herself. "It's not an obsession," she says weakly.

"It's been occupying what…90 of your thoughts? I'm not blind or dense you know."

"Don't change the subject here. You accused me of not trusting you, but you didn't trust me to tell me why you're taking folic acid. You didn't leave me much choice but to jump to conclusions."

"Alright, I should have talked to you, but did it cross your mind that maybe I wasn't ready?"

"I asked you! I flat out asked you what was wrong…what you were taking and you got angry and you scared me…I was worried the pain meds…well that you were still using them."

"I stopped those a while ago and I told you so," I say. "Worried or not that didn't give you the right to go through my stuff like that."

"You forget that I was an addict, I was married to one…"

"I am not Eddie!" I say vehemently.

"Saying you did stop your meds doesn't mean anything when I see you popping pills and then you're evasive about it."

"Look at me and tell me if I look like I 'm high or something?"

"This is fucking ridiculous. I'm not going to have this argument with you. You lied to me…and I'm the one in trouble?"

"You snooped through my stuff!" I repeat once more. "And what's worse is that you have the guts to throw it in my face!"

"And had you been honest I wouldn't have, because I don't lie to you!"

"I…" I sigh. "Fine, I made a mistake but…I just wanted to protect you… and deal with this on my own…"

"Protect me??" she asks in disbelief. "What is so bad that I need you to protect me? What's the reason you're taking folic acid if not to have a baby?"

I look away. "Forget it."

Cath grabs my arm gently and doesn't let me off the hook. "Tell me," she orders softly.

I can't bring myself to look at her so I stare at my shoes. "I'm…" the last part of my words is lost in a mumble.

"You're what, Sar?"

I take a deep breath and try again. "I'm…a little depressed."

"What does folic acid have to do with that?"

"It helps…according to my doc."

"What doctor? Why…why didn't you talk to me?"

"I didn't want to…to…make you go through it all again."

"We're supposed to be in this together."

"I'm sorry…"

"Baby…" she sighs. "I'm sorry, I didn't notice."

"You're wrong…we're not in this together. I mean…you don't have to deal with the guilt, I do. And I… I miss my brother, and I feel guilty for what happened to you as well…"

"You shouldn't feel guilty."

"But I do…" I say as tears roll down my cheek silently.

She walks to me and pulls me into her arms. "I didn't know…"

"I feel guilty because I can't…" I choke a bit on my tears. "I can't give you what you want, Cath… I wish I could, but I can't…I won't have a baby…we won't have a baby," I drop the bomb.

She pulls back a bit a looks at me. "So… you've decided?"

I don't answer at first, but I knew when I came to this conclusion that the look of disappointment and pain in her eyes would be unbearable. I was right. I step out of her embrace. "Sorry…" I whisper.

"Why?" she asks.

"I can't…I'm sorry." That's about the best explanation I can give her, it sums up each of my fears and doubts.

She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand in a swift motion. "Okay then," she says quickly.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

"Yeah…no…don't be… I…I told you I was fine with just the three of us…" she says with little confidence. "I'm…I'm just going to get a shower," she points the bathroom with her thumb. I wouldn't be surprised if the water wasn't the only liquid that will be on her face.

I hang my head and leave the bedroom.

xxxxx

Days go by and I feel like something is broken between us. Even though Cath is trying to hide it, I can see that my refusal has left a scar in her and created a gap between us.

Cath is slowly but surely putting distance between us. She's spending more time at work and when she's home, she does everything not to be alone with me. Every time I want to have some time alone with her or take her out, she has more important things to do. She's trying to put on a brave face and act like it doesn't matter that I don't want a baby, but I know that it's not true. I catch her more and more getting lost in her thoughts with a wistful gaze.

She either doesn't talk to me or talks very little. She's clamming up, withdrawing from me. It scares me because I barely recognize her and I'm starting to think that maybe she will soon tell me that she can't be with me anymore. I'm not making her happy, I make her sad. It's like she is grieving for our 'would have been' child.

xxxxx

I'm sitting on the front porch steps. The atmosphere inside the house is unbearable, I can't stand having Cath ignore me like she does, or at least pretending that everything is okay, when her attitude lets me know that it's everything but.

This situation is wearing me out. It's been going on for a month now and Cath and I are close to becoming complete strangers.

It's funny how one little decision can define the rest of your life. Had I been in tune with the idea of having a baby together, then maybe Cath would still have that sparkle in her eyes saying that she's happy, maybe then we wouldn't be two strangers living in the same house. No, not maybe, I know that's how things would be.

My phone rings, pulling me from of my reverie.

"Sidle."

"_Hey sweetpie,"_ the voice of one of my older brothers greets me. I feel instant warmth surrounding me as if someone was hugging me affectionately.

"Jude, hey…"

"_What's wrong?"_ he asks, though I can't see him, I know that he's frowning with concern. _"You sound quiet. If I didn't know you, I'd say you have a lot in mind right now."_

"I'm okay, just a bit tired with…"

"_Cut it, I'm your brother sweetpie__. I know you like I made you, so don't even think about BS-ing me."_

I chuckle. "Sorry…" I sigh. "Things are a bit tense at home," I finally confess after a moment.

"_I see,"_ he replies.

He waits a bit longer for me to elaborate, but I really don't feel up to it right now and even less over the phone. "So, how are my nephews and nieces?" I ask, effectively closing the topic for discussion.

Jude tells me about the rest of the family, letting me off the hook this time. Talking to him cheers me up a bit, so I couldn't be anymore grateful for his timing.

xxxxx

"Sara?" I turn around to see Judy the receptionist in the doorway of the lab where I'm working.

"Yes," I reply with an encouraging smile.

"There's uh…someone at the reception desk for you," she says gently with a shy smile.

I frown because I'm not expecting anyone. "Okay, thanks," I take a look at what I am doing then turn to Judy again. "Could you tell them to wait a few minutes, please?"

"Sure."

I secure the evidence again and clean the lab before heading to the reception desk. I stop in my tracks as I see who's waiting for me.

"Come on, I'm expecting a hug sweetpie," Jude says with a smile.

I walk into his arms and he wraps me in a big hug, filled with love and care. After gathering my belongings from the locker room, I take my brother to my favorite diner so we can have breakfast together.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to have you here, but what are you doing here?" I ask him as we are waiting for food.

"You sounded really down on the phone yesterday. I thought I could cheer you up a bit."

"So you took a plane from California to come here?"

"Hey, we almost lost you a few months ago and we did lose Aaron; so now whenever you need me or Denis, we'll be here for you, and not just figuratively."

I can't help the tears at the corner of my eyes. I know my voice will fail me if I try to speak so I look at him intently, saying all that words can't express. We haven't always been a close-knit family. There were times when we could barely stand one another, and others where we needed to be with each other almost everyday. Ever since Aaron died though, we decided to start fresh and to be the family we should have been all along.

We start to have breakfast mostly talking about the family. "…Liam is really good with Jake, Ruben and Charlie," he says speaking of Aaron's sons. "The boys are having a hard time, coping in their own way with the loss of their father. But they are strong and they're hanging on."

"How did you know you were ready to be a father?" I ask him bluntly and without warning.

He tilts his head to the side and ponders my question. "I never did. I never felt ready. Hell I'm not ready now and I _have_ children," he snorts with a smile. "Is there something you want to tell me?" he tiptoes on his question.

"No…I mean, well…after the whole thing in California, we talked about it and at first I was all for it…but then…I started to think and…I know I'm not ready…I'm lost and I need someone to help me…because Cath and I are drifting apart, and I'm afraid it will be the end of us if this keeps going like that…"

"Time out," Jude says making a 'T' with his hands. "If you do this just to keep your relationship safe, forget it okay? I'm serious, forget it. If you ever decide to have a child, make it be because you want a family, because you want to have a child…"

"I'm not ready, Jude," I repeat.

"Being ready has nothing to do with wanting a child," he states.

"Jude, I'm lost here, and you're not helping."

"I wasn't ready to be a father. Molly wanted a child and I love her, and I wanted a family. I wasn't ready then and I still don't feel ready now. You know what the problem is? There's no instruction book. Nothing prepares you for the diapers, the long nights awake, the crying, the hurts, and all the things that parents have to face. And I'm certainly not ready for my sons' first kiss, their first heartbreak, the sex talk, and the first broken bone… I won't lie to you, being a parent is a difficult job, an endless work in progress. It's hard to be a mother, just as hard as it is to be a father, no matter what they say. There are no secrets or shortcuts to make it right. You just do your best each time and learn step by step."

I stare at him trying to make sense of what he has just told me.

"Sweetpie, I know we didn't have the greatest parents, so we don't have a model to go on, but like I said, as long as you do what you think is right, then it'll be fine."

"If you've never been ready, how did you know you wanted children?" I ask him still confused.

"You know this nagging feeling you get sometimes, like there's a voice in your head telling you clearly, 'this is what you have to do, this is where you have to go' and so on?" I nod. "Well, maybe one day you'll have it, and then you'll know if you want children or not. One thing is certain though, don't have a child just to have one. It's not a toy you buy because it's all the craze at the moment. That's asking for trouble."

I let his words sink in. "I'm not sure you helped me at all," I say after a long silence.

"Look, forget about the fears, the doubts and all that, they will always be with you, always. All that matters is whether or not you want this."

I snort and smile weakly "Easy…" I say with sarcasm. I sigh "So…you were supposed to tell me about Charlie and his obsession with drums," I change the topic. Jude just smiles and picks up the conversation where we had left it before.

xxxxx

I'm reading in the bedroom, when I hear the front door opening and closing. I sigh. Saying that things are tense between Cath and I would be an understatement. I can't remember the last week we went without a single argument. Every day there's a reason to fight, there's always a reason to exchange harsh words. When we don't fight, we don't speak to one another, and that drives me insane.

I take a deep breath, hoping, that maybe, just maybe today we'll make it without an argument. Thirty minutes go by quietly and I'm starting to think that actually we won't argue, but my hope is short lived. Two seconds after Cath enters the bathroom, I hear her sigh heavily.

"Damn it!" she curses, I look up as she comes in the bedroom. "Damn it, Sara; how many times do I have to tell you… you use the last bit of toilet paper, you put a new roll on the holder. How old are you? Five??" she asks but doesn't give me a chance to answer. "No, because even at five Lindsey knew how to do that."

I cleaned the house today and I obviously forgot to replace that damn roll. Now, I'm in for a freaking earful. I sigh, and decide to try and placate her instead of jumping into a fight with her. "Sorry, I was distracted. No need to make a big production over it," I tell her calmly.

"A big production? How fucking hard is it?" she turns around and takes the empty roll off and slide a new one on. "See? Very easy."

"Fine, I'm sorry. I won't forget it next time."

She snorts and rolls her eyes. "How many times have I heard that?"

"You're overreacting. You're making it sound like it's a habit of mine."

She shakes her head and turns away. "It's always bullshit like this with you," she says over her shoulder before slamming the bathroom door shut. I can hear her moving things around in there.

"Excuse me? And what is that supposed to mean?" I ask in anger now.

She opens the bathroom door and gets out of it in a second. "Seriously, something as simple as a toilet paper roll? Why is that so difficult for you?" once again her question is only rhetorical. "I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, really…you leave one drop of milk in the jug instead of finishing it or throwing it out… you leave wet towels on the floor…"

"Here we go again," I sigh in exasperation.

"You don't know how to take your damn clothes out of the dryer once they're done, even Lindsey does that. You have to be reminded to wipe your feet before you come in the house. You NEVER make up the bed…or offer to change the linen," she sighs angrily. "I have one child, Sara, not two… I shouldn't have to clean up behind you and take care of you like you're an infant, you're an adult."

"Well sometimes I wonder, seeing how you treat me."

"And how do I treat you?"

"You talk to me like I'm five. I am not five."

"If you didn't act like one I wouldn't treat you like one…"

"I don't act like a five year old!" I protest.

"You're right, saying you act like a five year old might be reaching, a three year old at best," she replies.

"Oh screw you," I sigh.

"Now see, that's one thing you never fuck up."

"I'm not asking for anything from you Cath, and I do my part in helping to take care of this house, so stop making it sound like you are slaving around this place for me."

"Oh yeah? How hard is it to vacuum once in a while, to empty the dishwasher, to take out the trash? Even Eddie did those things without being begged."

There's something about bringing Eddie into the conversation and making him such a good guy that only serves to piss me off beyond belief.

"Thank god you didn't want a baby, I can't imagine what it would be like to take care of a teenager, a three year old and an infant."

Now, that one was below the belt and it hits me like a thousand punches in the gut. I can feel the color leaving my face. I make fists with my hands and clench my jaw.

"Nice one Cath…that was…unfair," I say with effort. I can see a little regret in her eyes, but soon it's covered by anger again. "You know what?" I ask, but don't wait for her to speak. "Fuck you," I tell her before leaving out bedroom.

I can hear her following me closely. "You certainly don't get to have the last word here!"

I don't listen to her and keep my journey to the living room and start to pull my jacket on. She grabs my arm and wheels me around to face her, "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

"Out."

"No, you're not," she dares me.

"I'm going out, far from you, from this place, from your fucking attitude."

"My attitude?"

"Yes, your attitude. You ignore me most of the time and then you put me on trial and every word you throw at me is only to make me feel like shit -- like I'm some jackass. You're so perfect, Cath," I seethe, "I'm not, surprise. So don't let me be a burden for you," I say as I turn to the door.

"You know what? Just….just…." she shakes her head and tries to get her breathing under control. "Just…do whatever you want…" she speaks quietly. "It's what you do best."

I turn around and stare at her and then shake my head before leaving. I don't know that woman. I don't know her and I certainly didn't fall for her.

xxxxx

Shift is over and I go to Cath's office. I knock on the door. "Come in," she calls from inside.

When I open the door, she's reading a file. She lifts her head up and is about to speak, but she stops herself as she sees it's me and sighs.

I take a deep breath, "Are you ready?"

"No. I have more work to do."

"Not today Cath. We have plans, remember?"

"I don't care about the plans, Sara. I just told you I had work to do."

"Your work can wait a day," I plead a bit.

"That's rich. Of all people you should understand that sometimes work comes before your private life. So, I repeat once more, I have work to do. Now, if you don't need anything else, please leave me alone."

I shake my head in defeat. "Whatever," I mumble before leaving her office.

xxxxx

I come back home after being out for several hours. I'm exhausted and mad. I'm mad at Cath because I know that the only reason she rejected me earlier wasn't because she had work, but because she didn't want to spend time with me. I tried to reach out, but she barely acknowledged it. We are reaching a point where even I wonder why I come back here everyday, or why I call this place home because the warmth, the love, the calm that are supposed to be here seem to be long gone.

Cath is in the living room when I enter the house. I'm so pissed at her that I don't even bother greeting her. I go in the kitchen and look for something to eat. I hear her leaving the room to go to our bedroom. I sigh and close the fridge, I'm not even hungry.

I take a quick shower and then go to bed. I climb into my side and turn away from Cath, putting myself as far from her as the bed will allow. "I hope you finished your work…your precious work," I say with despise. She ignores my comment and yanks the covers on her side.

Silence settles over us like a heavy weight. I can't remember the last time we actually slept in each other's arms, or the last time we actually shared a hug. Don't even get me started on the last time we touched each other.

"You were gone for hours…where were you?" she inquires.

"Out," I mumble. All this anger I had managed to tame a bit is surfacing again. I can't believe she forgot altogether.

"Brilliant…a Harvard education and all you can come up with is 'out'," she snorts.

"Whatever…it's not like you care anyway."

I feel movement behind me, she probably turned to me "What gives you the….arrghh," she growls in frustration. "Forget it. Now if you don't mind, I have a busy day tomorrow…I'd like to get some sleep."

It's barely three minutes before she sits up and turns the light on. "Where were you? And come up with something better than 'out'."

I sit up and turn the light on my side on. I look at her with disbelief. "Where was I?"

"That's what I asked."

"I was at the opening, you know, the one my friend Kennedy wanted us to go to, because she was showing her work for the first time and because this exhibition was really special to her. You know, the opening I bought tickets for like…five months ago?"

"For four hours…you were at an art opening for four fucking hours?"

"Yes, because I talked to Kennedy and told her that she did a great a job and that I was glad the exhibit was a success."

"That's it? Are you kidding? It took you four hours to do that?"

"No, it took me four hours to take a good look at her work and then yes we spent over an hour talking, because she's my friend, remember?" I sigh. "Well, had you been there you would have known."

"Obviously I had something else to do."

"Oh please," I chuckle bitterly.

"Four hours…"

"It's not like I was eager to come back home."

She snorts, "I noticed."

"Why would I? You ignore me, you put distance between us, you can barely stand to stay in the same room as me anymore," I finally let out.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"She doesn't know what I'm talking about…that's rich. You always have work to do, you're either too tired, too busy, or have better thing to do than actually have some time with me. And you know what? I'm tired of this," I get out of bed.

"Tired of this?" she asks with a frown. "Tired of me?"

"Yes, tired. Ever since I told you that I didn't want a baby, you've been treating me like a stranger… Most of the time I don't even know why we bother living under the same roof. It's like…like I'm invisible to you!"

"I knew you'd do this…just like before."

"Do what, Cath?"

"Don't feign ignorance, Sara."

"No, no, please talk to me. For once talk to me!"

"Talk to you? Why would I? You won't listen…you don't care about what I say…" she gets out of bed as well and faces me.

"I do care Cath! I'm trying to communicate, you're the one clamming up, you're the one rejecting me and then denying that something's wrong!"

"I'm not…I'm… I'm…trying to deal with your decision and it's difficult…" she passes her hands in her hair with a sigh. "And you really don't care about my feelings on the subject…" tears start to fall in spite of herself. "I love you…I love you so much it hurts, Sara…but we don't want the same things do we?"

"Why does it have to be that way? It's like we couldn't be happy without a baby. I can't have a baby…"

"No, you won't. There's a difference between can't and won't, and you won't."

"Is this the end of us because I don't want to give you what you want from me? Should I pack my things now and go?" I ask her really coming at the end of my rope.

"You refuse to even think about it. How can you dismiss my feelings so completely?"

"You don't realize what it is for me, how hard it is."

"Then tell me, help me understand. Tell me why I'm such a selfish bitch for wanting to create a life with you?"

"Why do you make it so hard? You make me feel like a monster for not wanting this."

"If I'm making you feel so bad, why are you sticking around?"

"Because I love you…" I sigh heavily. "I didn't have the best parents in the world, but weren't always like that, so I can't help but think

that there's nothing preventing me from being like them, but it's not the only reason. I know what I was as a child. I know how I was as a

teenager, how can I be honest with a kid and tell him or her not to do drugs when I was a drug addict? Nobody could stop me then, why could I stop anybody getting wasted, drunk and high 24/7? Tell me," I finally let all my fears out in the open.

"Those things made you who you are. It made you the person I fell in love with," she states. "Dammit…do you think Linds is going to turn

out to be a coke head or a stripper because I was one?"

"That's not what I'm saying! I…"

"You're scared, I know that…"

"I don't feel like I'm able to assume such a responsibility…" we're making circles again.

"You're going to let those fears stop us from doing something that could be beautiful," she explains.

"How can it be beautiful if I don't want it?"

Cath looks away and sobs a bit, then she walks out of the bedroom and heads downstairs. I can hear her pulling out a glass out of the cabinet, and something tells me that she's not pouring herself some orange juice. I hear the glass door sliding open and then Cath's footsteps going out on the patio.

I start to pace in our bedroom, giving her some time for herself and trying to put my thoughts back in order. Three minutes later I go

downstairs and join her on the patio. She's sitting down on a bench holding her glass and looking into the distance.

"So…this is it?" I ask. "I don't want a baby so we can't be happy?"

Her eyes are puffy from all her tears, she reaches out her hand and I take it. She sits me down on her laps, then wraps her arms around me. "I told you… and I meant it…I could accept us not having a baby…"

"I don't want to sound petty, but you could have fooled me lately. I've been feeling like you were reproaching me…making me pay for my decision."

She sighs. "I almost lost you…you almost lost me…I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life…but we both know we run risks with our jobs and life in general…a baby…I know it might sound stupid to you…but a baby would be a piece of us…if I lost you, but we had a child together, I'd still have a piece of you to live on and the same goes for me…"

Her words make me cry. I put my hands over my eyes and then stand up, pulling out of her embrace. "I understand what you're saying…I do…but…"

She pulls me back down to her and wipes my tears with her fingertips. "I'm sorry baby. This topic is done with…I won't bring it up again…" she says before kissing my forehead.

"I need to know that we can make it without a baby, I need to know that you don't love me any less because this situation has been killing me…"

"We _will_ make it…and I don't love you any less…I promise."

She runs her hand up and down my back in a soothing motion, holding me as close to her as possible. "I love you," she whispers.

"I love you, too," I reply before kissing her neck.

"Let's go to bed sweetie."

I nod on her shoulder and we stand up. She holds my hand as she leads us back in our bedroom. She climbs up in the bed and she holds the covers up for me. She cuddles to me as soon as I get in and spoons me from behind, she kisses my neck and squeezes me a little bit.

For the first time in months, I feel our connection back.

xxxxx

Things slowly start to get in order again between Cath and I, but it's still awkward. But at least we're trying to rebuild our relationship. For the last three weeks we've been trying to spend a little more time together, the 'baby' topic never came back up, but it's not completely forgotten.

"You know when I said that I didn't want you to make out, I didn't mean for you two to stop altogether;" Linds says as she grabs an apple from the kitchen table.

I can't help but chuckle. I thought I'd never know more embarrassing day than the day Lilly – Cath's mother walk in on us having sex on the pool, well I was wrong, because a few months ago Linds and her boyfriend walk in on us having sex on the couch.

"Your mother and I are going through... a fragile period," I explain to her.

"Whatever that means…grown ups," she rolls her eyes. "I gotta go, remember to come and see me…"

"At five. I know don't worry," I finish for her.

She hugs and kisses me goodbye and then she goes out to join Cath in the car.

xxxxx

After Linds' rehearsal for her play I take her and Cath to a restaurant. We have a nice family dinner and then we decide to go for ice cream afterwards. We go and sit in a park where families go to. We have a good time, then I catch Cath zoning out. When I follow her gaze she's staring at a young father holding his toddler and showing him things. His baby smiling and making sounds only babies can make. My gaze returns to Cath and she has a sad smile gracing her lips. Then she must feel me staring at her because she looks at me and then looks away immediately as if she had been caught doing something wrong.

I decide not to comment on that and we keep on having a good time together, but I don't miss Cath's little stolen glances at the young family in front of us.

Coming back home she goes straight to bed while Linds and I talk a little more before calling it a day.

As I come close to our bedroom I can hear Cath sniffing like she had been crying, once again I opt for not calling her on it. I know why she is crying and I know that no words I could say could actually alleviate her pain. I climb in bed behind her and pull her to me, and hold her tight, trying to convey silently all my love for her.

xxxxx

"Are you ready?" Cath asks me from the doorway of our bedroom.

"Yes," I smile at her.

We're going at Greg's for a big get together with every member of the gang and some friends.

"You're beautiful," she tells me shyly with a smile. I walk to her and kiss her on the lips lovingly.

"Oh guys, come on we don't have time for this," Linds whines from behind us.

Cath and I both chuckle and then kiss again quickly before going out. We arrive at Greg's twenty minutes later and his house is already packed.

We greet everyone and Lindsey doesn't wait long before going to hang around with Greg's young cousins.

I'm talking with Warrick and Nick about cars and mechanics when I catch Cath talking with Greg's sister Becky. Becky's holding Keenan, her two month old baby boy. Then Becky must ask Cath if she wants to hold Keenan because soon Catherine is the one with the baby on her lap.

She has a radiant smile and her eyes are shining with happiness. I don't know what happens, but something in me shifts. I'm just in awe of this scene. I can't tear my eyes away from Cath. I swear I'm falling in love with her all over again.

"Oh yeah and they had this new prototype Lamborghini that is so smooth in the curves and…Sar?"

"Uh?" I turn to Nick "Sorry," I chuckle.

He shakes his head. "You don't need to drool over her anymore, she's yours, Sar," he teases me.

"Shut up," I laugh a bit. "Would you guys excuse me for a moment?"

"Sure," they both answer at the same time.

I stand up and walk up to Cath, all her focus is on Keenan. She's talking to him and he's responding to her with a toothless smile and twitters. I sit next to her and only then does she spare a glance at me before focusing on Keenan again.

"He's really beautiful, you did a great job Becky," I say.

"Brody and I did, thank you. The thirteen hours of labor were definitely worth it," she chuckles.

I can't tear my eyes from Cath and I don't think I've ever felt as in love with her as I do in this moment. I kiss her cheek and let my lips linger there a bit. "I love you, with all my heart," I whisper to her.

She blushes a bit and turns to me to kiss me on the lips quickly. I keep watching her interacting with Keenan for a moment longer, then I kiss her head and go back to the boys.

xxxxx

"Babe?" Cath calls me.

"Yeah?"

She massages my shoulders a bit and then kisses my crown before sitting next to me on the couch. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing special," I shrug.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I nod. "I…uh…got something for you," I say handing her a package.

"Thank you sweetie," she smiles at me before kissing me. She unwraps the package and frowns at the book.

"Aaron was a big fan of knights and dragon's slayers tales, but this story was by far his favorite. This is the story my mom would read to all of us, and then I read it to Aaron when he'd have a tough night," I explain to her.

She traces the title with hand delicately. This book is my most precious possession. I don't think I ever mentioned those memories I have from my childhood. It's a part of my secret garden.

"I thought that…I could read it to him or…her…if they had a rough night…" I say looking at the book.

Cath turns her head to me and stares at me. I can see confusion in her eyes as if she was silently asking me what I was saying

"At least that's one thing I'm sure I'll do right," I chuckle nervously. That's a drop in the middle of the ocean I'm about to dive into but at least it's something, probably my only piece of reassurance about this whole thing. I look away.

Cath hooks her finger under my chin and gently forces me to face her. She smiles weakly, encouraging me to speak.

"I'm scared out of my mind," I confess her with a weak smile.

She stays still, holding her breath. She doesn't say anything probably not wanting to get her hopes up. But I can see it, the sparkle of hope, the tiny glint of excitement with anticipation.

"I saw you with Keenan the other day and…I felt…the way I felt…I want to feel that way everyday, I want to see you smile like that every day…I want to have a family with you…" I can't stop the tears dampening my cheeks, but it's not out of sadness. "I'm scared, really scared, but I want that…with you."

Jude was right I feel scared and far from ready, but now I have no doubt, I want it. After seeing Cath the other day it was an eye opener for me, I actually want a family with Cath.

She puts the book on the coffee table carefully and then she cups my face with both of her hands and smiles at me brightly. Her eyes are watering but they are sparkling with happiness. She kisses me senseless and then she laughs before kissing me again.

* * *

**Thanks for reading**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em…**

**Chapter 3: Catherine**

"Babe?" Seldom do I ever refer to her as Sara and only as Sidle when I'm really pissed with her.

"Yeah," she says as I lean over the back of the couch, massaging her shoulders and kissing the crown of her head before joining her on the couch.

"What are you doing?"

I smile at her, happy at the closeness we've been able to share since I dropped the baby issue. "Nothing special," she answers as she takes my hand in hers and rubs her thumb delicately over my knuckles.

I study her for a moment. Something's not quite right and I can't put my finger on it, "Are you okay?"

She smiles weakly and answers, "Yeah." She reaches down beside the couch and grabs a small wrapped package. "I…uh….got something for you," she nearly whispers as she hands me the package.

Unexpected gifts are always the best kind. "Thank you, sweetie," I give her a quick peck on the cheek before unwrapping my gift. A book. _The Giving Tree_ I hold in my hands is old and well-worn. It's obviously been read many times. I know there's a meaning behind this gift, but it's totally lost on me.

She turns toward me and leans back against the arm of the couch. "Aaron was a big fan of knight and dragon slayer tales, but this story was by far his favorite," she pauses and breathes deeply before continuing. "This is the story my mom would read to all of us, and then I'd read it to Aaron when he'd have a tough night."

I'm still not on the same page as she is. I love that she's sharing a memory with me—another part of who she is that I'm still discovering. I run my fingers delicately over the title.

Her focus is on the book in my hands. "I thought that…I could read it to him or…her…if they had a rough night."

My head snaps up as I realize what she's saying. At least I think I realize what she's saying. I don't want to ask because I'm afraid to broach this subject and reopen this wound that we've worked so hard to heal.

Her laugh breaks my ruminations. "At least that's one thing I'm sure I'll do right."

I bite my lip and swallow the lump in my throat. _It's really going to happen_, is all I can think. I smile reassuringly as I reach out and lift her chin with my fingers, forcing her to look at me.

She lets out a breath she probably didn't realize she had been holding, "I'm scared out of my mind."

I still can't speak. I don't want to say the wrong thing and make her rethink this decision.

"I saw you with Keenan the other day and…I felt….the way I felt…I want to feel that way every day, I want to see you smile like that every day…I want to have a family with you," she begins to cry. "I'm scared, really scared, but I want that…with you."

I sit the book down on the coffee table in front of the couch carefully and slowly turn to face her. I inch closer to her, cupping her face with my hands and sporting a smile larger than life. Like Sara, I'm crying out of happiness and the possibility of having a family together. I lean forward and kiss her like it's the last kiss I'll ever be able to give her, then pull back laughing, before leaning in to kiss her again.

XXXXXX

We're lying in bed a few days later when Sara rolls over and faces me.

The morning sun streaks through the sheer curtains that hang in our room and casts an angelic glow around her features.

She stretches and yawns, squeaking as she works the sleep out of her sinewy limbs and joints.

We haven't yet really discussed all the details involved in this life-altering decision we've finally reached.

Her brow furrows and she pokes her lips out in a pout.

As cute as I think she is right now, I want to know what's on her mind. "Penny for your thoughts," I offer.

She rolls onto her back and pulls me on top of her. Her hands move torturously slow up and down my back. On the stroke up, her palms lie flat and the smooth skin of her hands caresses me. Moving her hands down, she drags her nails along my back.

I'm biting my lip to stifle both the groan and moan that are perched at the back of my throat.

I lower my mouth to her neck and start to kiss along her neck before moving to her ear and sucking on her earlobe. I bite down gently down the lobe before purring into her ear.

She bucks up against me and tilts her head back, exposing more of her elegant neck to my oral ministrations.

As I'm sucking gently on her pulse point, she moves her hands into my hair and pulls my mouth away from her neck. "We need to talk, babe," she says with a husky voice, still infused with sleep.

I sit up so that I'm straddling her and wink at her before sliding off to sit cross-legged beside her. "Sure sweetheart. What's on your mind?"

"Well," she says as she slides up and leans against the headboard, "I think we need to decide what we're going to do. I mean, do we use someone we know? Do we find a donor? Do you go out and pick a guy for me…"

"Whoa!" I shoot at her quickly. "I am not going out and picking up some random guy to get you knocked up." Her face wrinkles into a laugh as she realizes how seriously I took her.

Her smile softens and she takes my hand in hers, lacing our fingers together. "You know I was joking about some random guy…But we do need to think about how we're going to do this."

I take a deep breath and consider what she's asking. I've been so caught up in wanting us to have a baby that I never really considered everything that would be involved.

"How about we make an appointment with a doctor before we sit here and try to decide who is going to father our baby?"

She frowns at my suggestion. I mean, in my head it makes tons of sense that we'd spend some time with a doctor and make sure Sara is completely healthy before we invest time, money, and our emotions in what is certain to be a long process. Hell, I'm not even sure how this whole process will work. It's not as easy as having sex until we get pregnant or getting drunk and 'oops' nine months later there's a baby. That won't happen with two women. It won't happen with me and Sara.

"You're right. We'll make an appointment with the doctor," she says as she slides out of bed and heads into the bathroom. I can't help but note the dispassionate visage. I can't help but think that maybe I should have gone along with her and talked things through without wanting to get all clinical.

XXXXXX

A month has passed since I suggested we see a doctor before we really make plans about who we want to use as a donor. One month—and the topic has never been broached again. My fear is that she's going to change her mind and decide that she doesn't want to do this after all. So I'm trying not to pressure her. It's driving me nuts. I want to ask her why she hasn't made an appointment. I want to know why hasn't brought the issue up at all. To say that things have been tense around our home for the last month would be an understatement. It's affecting all of us—including Lindsey. She was once Sara's greatest champion, now they're constantly at each other's throats.

Today has been no different. For the first time, we've both managed to pull a Saturday off. Sara and Lindsey are on opposite sides of the coffee table, a game board separating the two of them.

"Come on! You always want to be the car. Just once, let someone else—ME—be the car!" Lindsey argues defiantly.

"If you know I always want to be the car, why would you want—no, insist—on taking it and claiming it for yourself? Be the dog—or the thimble. But you _know_ I'm _always_ the car," Sara ayss through gritted teeth as she stands, reaches over and tries to pry the dull, metallic roadster from the blonde's hand.

Even though I know I should, I don't intervene. The two of them will have to learn to work out their difficulties on their own. I can—and I won't—choose sides between the two of them.

A tug of war ensues, each gaining a momentary advantage before realizing they are at a stalemate. As each relaxes but steadfastly refuse to relinquish their respective grasp on the minute place marker, they bellow simultaneously, "Catherine! Mom!"

I stand and walk toward them, ready to separate the feuding pair.

I see Lindsey stick her tongue out at Sara before letting go of the car and watching as the scene in front of her plays out in slow motion. Sara had been standing up and trying to retrieve the piece from Lindsey. Lindsey watches in amused horror as Sara's arm jerks backwards and her elbow connected in a sickening squish with something behind her--me.

Sara freezes, and though I can't see her face, I can imagine the expression on it. She turns slowly in the direction of what had stopped her elbow—toward me. All color drains quickly from her face as she sees me with a hand covering my injured eye.

I don't say a word. I just turn and walk toward the kitchen knowing that I'll need ice on my eye quickly to keep it from swelling shut.

"Someone's in trouble!" I hear Lindsey say in a sing-song voice before joining me in the kitchen.

It takes Sara a few moments of obvious nerve-gathering before she follows us. She walks into the kitchen and finds me in a chair at the table with Lindsey holding a bag of frozen peas against my eye.

"I don't know why she'd just poke you in the eye with her elbow," Lindsey speaks soothingly to me as she gingerly shifted the bag of peas to keep it over my rapidly purpling flesh. My daughter must think I'm stupid if she suspects for one second that I believe Sara did this on purpose. I just glare at her with the one good eye I have left.

Incensed by the insinuation that she had purposefully hurt me, Sara quickly jumps to her own defense."Well, if _you_ hadn't let go at the last second—when you obviously saw her behind me—I wouldn't have hit her. It's _your_ fault!"

"Uh, hello? Could you two just shut up?!?" I ask rhetorically. Lindsey stands and the bag of peas fall to the floor.

Lindsey backs away as the pensive tone of my words meets her ears.

"Sweetie," Sara offers, but is speedily silenced by my hand turned palm out in her direction.

"Don't sweetie me. For the last month, you've been just as bad as she is. Sometimes I'm not sure who is the teenager and who is the adult."

"But Mom, she…" Lindsey decides to try her hand at defending her actions since Sara's attempt didn't work.

"She what, Lindsey? What did she do this time? Look at you? Walk on _your_ side of the hallway? Eat a bowl of _your_ cereal? I'm so sick of it. You two," I point between the two of them, "need to fix whatever is wrong. You're driving me nuts. I'm not sure I can take much more of this."

I grab an ice pack from the freezer and stomp up the stairs to our bedroom. A few minutes later, Sara hesitantly walks into the room. She sits down on the foot of the bed, her back to me.

"You're right. Lindsey and I have been at each other's throats and I don't know why," she admits without turning around to face me.

I don't speak. I want her to continue.

"We haven't talked about it for a month. I told you I wanted to, and the one time I really try to talk about it, you shut me down. And now, you haven't mentioned it. Have you changed your mind?" she slowly turns to face me.

"What?" I sit up quickly. "You think I've changed my mind? Baby," I move toward the foot of the bed and sit so that she's between my legs, my chin resting on her shoulder.

"Have you?" she asks weakly. "It's not like I'd blame you if you decided I'm not the best person to have a child. Did everything I tell you I was worried about finally make sense to you?"

I kiss her neck lightly as my arms tighten around her. "I didn't want to pressure you. I wasn't blowing you off or shutting you down when I said we should go to a doctor before we started making decisions about things. I didn't want us to be disappointed if we started trying to do things and then ran into troubles."

I lift a hand to her chin and turn her to face me, "I want nothing more than to have a baby with you. There should be no question in your mind nor doubt in your heart about that. I just didn't want to pressure or question you and make you change your mind."

She leans in and kisses me tenderly on the lips, "We're really not good at this communication deal. We're going to have to get better."

"I know—that includes communicating with Lindsey."

She sighs heavily, "I was wondering when you were going to talk to her about that."

I can't help but chuckle. "When I'm going to talk to her? Where the hell do you think you're going to be when _I'm_ talking to her about this?"

"I dunno. Maybe I can wash dishes or wash the car while you talk to her," she shrugs.

I slide off the bed and grab her hand as I head toward the door. She pulls back, jerking me to a stop. I turn and glare at her but before I can say anything, she reaches out with care and concern and touches the side of my face. "You know I would never hit you on purpose. If I had known you were behind me…"

She doesn't get a chance to finish as I recoil in anticipated pain when her fingers touch flesh near my eye.

"Let's just go and talk with Lindsey." I turn and walk out the door and head downstairs.

Linds is sitting by the pool on the phone. Sara sits down on the couch as I open the patio doors and ask Lindsey to end her conversation and come inside.

I join Sara on the couch and take her hand in mine. Lindsey comes in and sinks down in the chair across from us.

"What now?" she says in that all too typical 'I'm too busy to be bothered with you' teenage manner.

I squeeze Sara's hand to the point that she squeaks out, "Ouch," before sighing heavily and looking at me. She knows I expect her to start this conversation. Yet, she doesn't.

I look at her questioningly and when she still doesn't start, I drop her hand and turn my gaze to Lindsey.

"Sweetie, Sara and I have something we want to talk to you about." Suddenly nervousness overtakes me and I can't find my voice. I open my mouth to speak and nothing comes out.

"Well, what is it?" she says as she blows a bubble with her gum and it pops.

I look down at the Monopoly game and its pieces that still litter the coffee table between us and back up to Lindsey.

Before I can speak, Sara pipes up, "Your mother and I love each other very much as I'm sure you know."

"How could I not know? Don't forget what I walked in on a few months ago," Lindsey quips sharply.

Sara and I both blush immediately as we remember the events of that day.

"Yeah, well," Sara pauses. "When two people love each other like your mother and I love each other…"

Lindsey bolts upright from her slouched position as a toothy grin forms across her face, "You're getting married?"

"No," Sara says quickly. A little too quickly in my opinion. She looks at me and I'm sure she sees the hurt that flashes across my face. "Not that I wouldn't want to marry your mom, but we can't legally do it."

Lindsey eyes us suspiciously and shifts uncomfortably in her seat. I can practically hear the wheels in her head turning.

"We're thinking about having a baby." There. I said it. It's like removing a Band-Aid. Just one quick yank instead of drawing it out.

"Oh, I see," she says as she glares angrily at the two of us. She sits quietly for a moment. I know my little girl. She's trying to figure out how a baby would affect her and what role she's going to be expected to play—she's a selfish teenager after all.

Sara stands and moves to sit on the arm of the chair that Lindsey's in. "This isn't about you and we're not doing this to hurt you," she says as she puts and arm around Lindsey's shoulders. "Your mom and I love each other and we want to do what so many other people do when they're in love. We want to create a life together."

Lindsey's eyes don't leave mine. I'm not sure what's she's hoping for here. She just probably wants her mom to reassure her. Still, I'm unable to say anything.

"Whose idea was this?" She asks coldly.

Sara doesn't even give me a chance to respond before she starts, "We both talk about it and…"

I cut her off. "It was my idea, Linds. I love Sara. I lost her once and nearly lost her for good while we were in California," I move to sit on the coffee table, the Monopoly game beneath me. Not that I think my kid would hurt me, but I'm down to one eye now, so I'm wary of getting as close as Sara is.

"You know how much I love you…how much we love you," I say as I look up at Sara. "We just want to add to our family. Your dad and I were in love with one another when we had you. You're a product of that love. Sara and I want that. I hope you can understand that."

She raises and eyebrow, deep in thought about the bombshell Sara and I just dropped on her. I'm biting my lip in nervousness and I can see out of my one good eye that Sara is still focused on Lindsey.

"I know about the birds and the bees. I _know_ how you get pregnant. How exactly do the two of you plan on doing this? And which one of you is planning on having the baby? I mean, you're not exactly young, Mom. Are you going to use a sperm donor? Will it be someone you know or someone you pick out of a catalog? What happens if something is wrong with the baby? Where's the baby going to sleep? Is he going to cry all night? Are you suddenly going to forget that I exist and just pay all of your attention to the baby? Do you think I'm going to change diapers and feed her?"

Sara looks a bit pale. I don't think either of us expected Lindsey to ask so many questions. I'm rattled by the fact that she said _sperm_.

"And what about while you're pregnant? Who's going to deal with making sure you have all the weird food you want for those cravings? And morning sickness—who's going to clean up if you don't make it to the bathroom in time? Are you going to constantly complain about how fat you're getting? Are you going to have to wear ugly maternity clothes?"

I can't even say anything to my daughter as I leave the room and look for Sara. Hopefully, Lindsey hasn't scared her too badly.


	4. Chapter 4

**I know, I know, I took long and I can't even blame scuby...I'm sorry for the delay. Thanks for the reviews.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)

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Chapter 4 : Sara 

I fled from the living room in quite a hurry. I escape to the backyard, thinking that maybe some fresh air might help me, but I don't think it does anything. I can't breathe, where the hell is oxygen?

I here the door being opened and close, no need to turn around I know it's Catherine. I'm sitting on the bench looking straight ahead of me. Cath sits slowly next to me. "Babe…" she starts but her next words die on her lips.

We've decided to talk to Lindsey about our plan to add to this family, and even if I didn't really expect her to be over excited about it, I wasn't expecting at all her cold reaction. It' like she was reproaching us to even think about having a baby.

All her questions, her silent anger… I think it overwhelmed me a bit, and…well I guess I hadn't completely think about it all. Not that I'm reconsidering, I'm just more scared than I already was. All the sudden the whole idea is getting real, truly real. We get from concrete to the very first step of it all, talking to our daughter.

"I panicked, I'm sorry," I finally say to Cath. "I hadn't thought about all this, it got a bit too much all the sudden," I turn to look at her but she is looking at her feet but I can't see a worried expression on her face. "Babe?" I call her softly.

"Are you going to change your mind again?" she asks quickly before looking at me. I don't think I've ever seen her so vulnerable, she looks on verge of tears. "I love you, Sara, I do, with all my heart and soul, but I'm not sure I would be able to deal with your refusal another time, this…all this is really affecting me deeply and…it hurts to much for me to go through all this again…"

"Babe…" I sigh. I kneel in front of her so we're face to face. "I know I didn't give you a lot of reason to believe that I was ready for this. But…this is all new territory for me and I am really scared about everything, doubting that I'll know what to do and that I'll do everything right, but there's one thing absolutely clear in my mind and I don't want you to doubt that anymore, I want a family with you. I want to make a family with you," I repeat.

She smiles at me, I cup her face and kiss her before resting my forehead against her. I stand and sit down again next to her. I hold her in my arms and think.

"That being all said, we might have to wait though," I state.

She pulls away from me and frowns. "What?"

"I don't think we can really move on seeing how Lindsey reacted."

"She's a teenager Sara, she changes mood like she changes shoes, and she's selfish, because it's in our nature at this age."

"Cath, she's not in tune with that, and I don't think we should think about what's next until we at least got her agreement…"

"Oh I see where's this is going," she snorts bitterly. "You tell me you want a family, but Lindsey comes in handy, because it a reason to postpone everything again into indefinite time…"

Two seconds, that's all it took to be arguing. That's a record – I'm only counting the period of her and I as lovers, because I'm pretty sure that back in the days we were faster than that.

"What?" I exclaim. "I just told you that I wanted it!"

"Only to then find another excuse…"

"Well excuse me to think that Lindsey's opinion matter," I reply.

"Sara…"

"Were you there two minutes ago? Or maybe I zoned out for a second because I missed the part where she said she was okay with it. I want to make a family, but I want Lindsey to be okay with that. I mean she's not going to disappear, and I don't want to impose her anything, so I'm sorry but I refuse to think about the next step until I have her go," I tell her firmly before going back in.

I know she's right when she says that Linds is a teen and that she's switching mood quite rapidly, not to mention that most of the times she feels like the world was against her. But lately my relationship with Linds has been tensed and I'm not going to add to that, I want really want to have a baby with Cath, I really do, but I have a problem with Lindsey not being okay with it. Maybe it's just her mood of the day and if it's the case fine, it's perfect, but if it runs deeper than that…

I decide to go in our bedroom and lie down. So far except for a bunch of argument, tension and disagreement, this whole 'baby' thing hasn't brought anything good in this household. I'm really hoping it will change soon, because it's draining me.

xxxxx

Cath and I haven't really spoken ever since our little fallout two days ago. We're communicating to a minimum. I'm giving her space and we both busy ourselves with work, that way we are generally too exhausted to even think of having a fight once we get home.

I have my day off today while Cath is resting before going to work. I'm sitting on the kitchen paying the bills before taking care of lunch. Lindsey comes in and opens the fridge.

"Do you want some milk?" she asks me.

"No thank you sweetie, can you hand me a bottle of water please though?"

"Sure," she pours herself some milk and takes out a bottle of water before closing the fridge. "There you go," she smiles at me.

I take the bottle from her hand "Thanks."

She sits in the chair next to me and looks at what I'm doing. We stay in silence but I can tell that she has something in mind. She's holding on her glass milk with both her hands and is chewing on her lips. She's probably preparing one of her argumentation about why I should consider getting her a new CD, or maybe why I should let her go to somewhere she really want to go but needs a driver in order to do so.

I put my pen down and focus all my attention to her. "I'm all ears," I smirk and she chuckles at herself.

"I'm sorry about the other day…at Monopoly," she starts not really looking at me. "I'm okay to admit that I might have been a bit annoying lately but so were you…I'm sorry about it all."

Linds has never been one to chew on her words and I've learned to appreciate her blunt honesty even if sometimes I which she also knew about tact and diplomacy. "I'm sorry too," I tell her honestly.

We've had a rough period lately, but I'm not all to blame, she was petty, moody and really not good company, not that I was a real peach on my side; that being said we eventually always find a common ground and call truces, because when we're not fighting we do have a great relationship.

"So…you never answered my questions…the other day…" she tiptoes around her words. I frown at first not really sure of what she's talking about then realisation hits me.

"You mean when your mom and I told you about our desire to expand the family?"

"Hmm… yeah," she clears her throat.

"You didn't really seem open to dialogue and I was too busy over-thinking," I joke.

"About that…"

"Linds, I know you were just being honest. Your honesty is something I appreciate and I hope you'll never lose, just try not to use it as an aggression."

"I didn't mean to offend you," she says hanging her head.

"Hey, it's okay, it's over now," she nods. I take a deep breath as she brings her glass to her lips to have a dip of milk. "Alright, so let's talk about this," I say with resolution. I've always made a point to be open with Linds, and I don't intend to change this.

"Okay."

"As you know, your mother and I want to have a baby."

"You'll be the one having it?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to be moody and everything? And be sick all the time?"

"Hormones might affect my mood yes and sickness is part of the process," I answer honestly.

"Will have to clean after you?"

"Hopefully not."

She winces. "Will the baby cry all night? Where is he going to sleep? Will I have to watch over him? Will I have to change diaper? What's going to happen when he destroys my stuffs?"

"The baby might not make his nights at first yes. We'll have to think about where he's going to sleep at some point, but I believe there's room enough in this house. You'll have to learn how to take care of him and change diaper, it's important because we never know what might happen. And then the baby might not be able to open a door for a long time so your stuffs have some years ahead before being destroyed."

She looks away. She seems upset and angry. She has that particular frown that makes her looks like her mother.

"You have to understand something," I start and she looks at me. "If your mother and I do have a baby, you're going to have a little brother or a little sister. It's not just a thing, it's a new member of this family and you'll have to be there as well. It's not just your mother and I, it will be the three of us with a baby. Things will change for everyone, we'll have to adapt and have new habits."

"What do you mean 'if' mom and you have a baby? You guys don't want a baby anymore?" she asks with a frown.

"We do want a baby, but I don't want to go through it if you're not okay with it."

"What about mom?"

"She agrees with me but she's upset and she also thinks that I'm using your reaction as an excuse not to have a baby."

"Are you?"

"No," I answer firmly.

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty, so I agree with all this?"

I sigh heavily. "No."

"Because it's not fair that…"

"Linds, I wish you'd understand what I'm saying," I cut her. "It's not just about having a baby, it's about widening this family, family which you belong to and if having a little brother or sister feels like a burden to you then we can't go through this. Having a baby will affect each member of this family, so each member of this family should be okay with it. If not, then there's no need to consider having a baby," I say vehemently.

Silence falls upon us, Lindsey and I just stare at each other. She opens her mouth twice but no words come out. The phone rings effectively ending our conversation. I stand and pick up the phone. "Hello...hi Amy, how are you?...good…you take care of yourself too and say 'hi' to your parents for me…sure, hold on, bye Amy," I hand the phone to Lindsey who takes it and I leave the kitchen to give her privacy.

xxxxx

"Hey babe," I greet Cath as she comes home after pulling a double shift. She enters the kitchen where I'm sitting reading something. She opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of water before closing it.

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Tired."

I decide not to let her mood stop me. it feels like ages since we last had a conversation. She's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since we told Lindsey about having baby, that was over a week ago. Now I'm lucky if I have words other than 'yes' or 'no'. We both have divergent opinions but we both want the same thing and I'm not sure she sees it. She thinks that I've changed my mind and that she's the only one suffering from the situation, she's wrong, I wish I could make her see this, but that imply communicating something we're not good at right now.

"How was your shift?"

"Long."

She's walking out of the kitchen and goes in our bedroom and I follow her. "Do you want me to run you a hot bath so you can relax a bit?" I offer.

"No."

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Are you ever going to talk to me again?" I ask a bit irritate.

"What do you want me to say?"

I snort and smile bitterly. "Wow, seven words straight, I'm in luck today," I reply I ignoring the daggers she's shooting me with her eyes. "Nothing, Cath, I don't want you to say anything," I add before leaving the room.

xxxxx

We're having dinner in the kitchen and if it wasn't for Lindsey we'd be eating in a dead silence. "How was your day?" I ask Catherine, she had her days off today.

"Fine,' she answers as flatly as the previous day.

"Nancy called and she wants you to call back, something about a suit," I tell her.

"Thanks."

"How was school Linds?" she asks with interest.

Lindsey starts to tell us about her day, about the English class project she has to do with some friends, she tells us about the last gossip going on and the new teacher in her school. I'm glad that she's quite a chatterbox I feel myself smiling genuinely for the first time in a long while when she gets really excited about something and for an instant, things are almost normal again.

"How about the paper that was due last week? Did you get a grade on it?" Cath questions her.

"I had a B , I made silly mistakes."

Cath rolls her eyes with a sigh, "I told you to let me read over it."

"I read it," I say and Cath looks at me for the first time.

"Oh," she breathes out. "I guess science is your only forte then."

I don't even bother answering, there's no point to take bait for an argument, I'd rather deal with her silence and her ignoring me. "Well, I made the last exercise after I showed it to Sara, and then she got called to work and I forgot to show her again," Linds intervene.

Cath's expression changes and I could almost think that she was about to apologize. "Oh," is all she says.

Lindsey is looking at us alternatively, she's always been one to know when Cath and I needed to talk in private or when not to speak or when to joke around. She rarely asks questions when she feels that things aren't great between her mom and I, considering that it's adult's matter.

"Is everything okay?" she tiptoes.

"Fine." "Yeah." Cath and I answer at the same time.

Catherine sighs and put her fork down. "Actually, Linds, everything is not okay."

"What's wrong?" Linds looks at the both of us with a frown. "Mom?" Cath is too busy playing with her napkin to answer so she looks at me "Sara?"

I sigh and stand with a sigh. "Sit down, Sara"

"Don't tell me what to do," I say without animosity as I lean against the counters and she sighs heavily.

"Linds, Sara really respects your opinion…"

"And you don't?" Linds cuts her.

"I think you're a teenager who changes her mind as often as…well, you change your mind a lot. It's not that I don't respect your opinion, it's just that…no matter how grown up you think you are you're still my child…our child," she corrects herself looking at me.

"So since I'm a child my opinion isn't important?"

"That's not what I'm saying, Linds."

"Then what are you saying?"

"After the questions you asked, Sara…and I… have the impression that you don't want us to make out family any larger…is that how you feel?"

Linds' head snaps in my direction. "I thought you said you weren't trying to make me feel guilty about it?"

"I'm the one asking you this, Linds, not Sara, so don't be mad at her. She puts the brakes on us having a baby."

"I know."

"Now I'm asking you, point blank, Lindsey, do you have a problem with us having a bay?"

"Yes I do. I don't want things to change!"

"What do you think is going to change if Sara and I have a baby?" Cath holds her hand out in my direction. I look at it and eventually take it with reluctance, but it's only because I think that we should always appear concerted when we talk to Linds. Cath pulls me toward the table and I sit again. "Seriously, Linds, what do you think is going to change if we have a baby," Cath repeats, squeezing my hand.

"I'm happy the way things are and I don't want…"

"The important things won't change, you know that we'll still love you," Cath explains.

Linds looks away, I can see her struggle. She's at this point where either she opens up and say what's weighting on her heart or clams up and give up only to say what she thinks we want to hear. She looks at me and shakes her head. "It doesn't matter. Have a baby if that's what you want. I don't mind, as long as you're happy," she says without enthusiasm. "Can I leave the table?" she asks and waits for my nod before standing and leaving the kitchen.

I let go of Catherine's hand and she sighs. "Could you have been any less helpful? No, really thank you for backing me up, I didn't feel like I was alone at all," she tells me harshly.

"Well, excuse me if I'm not for the Spanish inquisition's method," I reply flatly.

"Oh please, Sara," she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Let's not fight okay? Please."

"Okay, fine."

"This proved you what I told you, she's just a teenager who changes her mind a lot."

"It doesn't prove much, except that she's upset."

"She's upset because she didn't have anything to explain her position and…" she trails off.

She cannot be serious. "You know what your problem is? You didn't stop for one second and think that maybe Linds has actually real issues and insecurities about this whole thing, that maybe it had nothing to do with the fact that she's a teen," I tell her vehemently.

"Now you don't have any more reason to postpone things, you never wanted a baby and you're so afraid to face it that you'd rather find any excuse than saying the truth."

"Oh you got me Cath! That's exactly what's going on, I should have known nothing could get past you, that's right I don't want a baby, and I don't want our family to get bigger. There, I told you exactly what you wanted to hear, so did Linds, you happy?" I snap. Frustration is getting to me so I grab my jacket and my keys before going out, slamming the door behind me.

I drive around for forty minutes until I feel myself cool enough to go back home. I go straight to the bedroom and find Cath sitting against the bed, looking at the window. I walk to her and sit next to her, even though I can't see her face right now I can tell that she's been crying, her whole body is talking for her.

"I'm sorry…" she starts with a shaky voice. "I didn't…" she trails off. "Ask myself if there was more to it than Linds' adolescence…" she elaborates. "I've never wanted something so badly and… my desire just…blinded me…" I let her talk things through. "For the first time I'm actually thinking about a future, and I want to have a big family…" she sniffs and whips her tears with the palm of her hands. "I was in love with Eddie when we had Lindsey, he…I don't know if he ever knew this feeling…I love you and you love me and I want our family to be complete, I want us to have this…" I she sniffs again.

"I want this badly Cath. I've never thought I'd want children, but you…with you, I feel blessed, you gave me a home, a family, and for the first time I want more…I want this, Cath, I need you not to doubt that…I know I was reluctant at first and even if I'm still scared about it all there's no doubt about it in my mind. However, this family, you, Linds and me, is having issues at the moment, we barely communicate and…it's not a healthy ground to start building something new. We have to focus on finding back some equilibrium first, that's all I'm saying, and I'm sure we'll find it soon, but we have to work together. We'll have our baby, but first we have to sort things out."

She nods and I take her in my arms and she leans on my shoulder shaking a bit. I kiss her crown and rock her gently in order to soothe her.

xxxxx

"Hey munchkin," I greet Linds as she sits next to me on the bench of the backyard porch. "How was your day?"

"It was okay, I got an A in physics."

"Excellent," I beam, I ruffle her hair after kissing her cheek.

She silently looks at the distance. She has a light frown wrinkling her brow, I swear I can hear the gears in her head turning.

"You and Mom…you're not going to break up, right?" she asks with uncertainty.

"No, sweetie, we're not."

"I heard you fight, and Mom was crying and, well…things are a bit different between you, I mean, are you guys still mad at each other?"

I admit that Cath and I have always been very demonstrative when we're at home. And since we were having issues, well we were barely communicating so being physically close felt wrong.

"Arguments are part of the deal," I tell her and she nods. Once again she gets lost in her thoughts.

"I didn't mean to cause any trouble."

"Linds…sweetie, it's not you, trust me, your mom and I are just having a hard time at communication."

"I meant what I said…I don't want to be invisible…" she states. "We all know the story, baby comes in the picture and then the older kid isn't interesting anymore. I… I don't want to be insignificant because I'm not cute, crawling and dribbling all around the house. I don't want the tale of my day to be insignificant because I'm not doing my first step or saying my first word; I don't want my problems to be insignificant because baby has fever or makes his first teeth…"

I'm listening to her with all my attention and even though I want to reassure her, I let her get it all out. I'm glad that she truly consider me as her second parent, and that she's always interested in having my opinion as well as her mothers, or that she comes to me when she has a problem.

"I'm 14 and for the first time in my life I can say I know what it's like to have two parents home. I mean, as far as I remember Mon and Dad were apart. I loved Daddy and I know he loved me, but… he wasn't there when I had a bad day, or when I needed to talk to someone, he was there for week ends and even that it couldn't always make it…" she looks away not to let her tears fall.

"I'm happy now, because there's always someone to come home to everyday, someone is always there to listen to me and actually care about what I have to say, there's always someone to help me out when I have a trouble, and I don't have to pretend everything is fine so Mom doesn't feel bad about not being there a lot because of her work, or not to show her that it hurts that she couldn't make it to my show, for once I don't have to keep everything for myself because I don't want to make it harder on Mom."

Tears have managed to make their way down her face in spite of all her efforts. "I don't mind having a little sister or a brother…I just…don't want that to be taken away from me, because I don't feel like I've enjoyed it nearly enough."

"Like I said things will change, but not like that. We'll always be eager to hear about your day, to know what's wrong, to take you out to movies…we'll always be there for you, because whether you realise it or not those moment are what make your mom and I happy…and you won't have a less meaningful place because of the baby…your happiness and well being is important and will always come first for us, just like for the baby…we wouldn't trade our moments with you for anything in the world. Because we want to know that you're okay, how was your day, and what is important for you, and what's bothering you, it makes us complete as a family," I let my words sink. I pass my arm around her shoulders. "No one is going to take your place Linds, we love you and we'll always be there for you," I tell her firmly before kissing her head.

She nods silently, erasing her tears with her hands. We stay in each other's arms for a long moment.

"I was thinking purple," she says out of the blue. I look at her puzzled. "For the room, a dark shade of purple, that way it's not to girly – just in case. It's a warm color and I don't know if you know it but it's the color of royalty," she explains.

"I didn't know actually. It's a good thought, you might be the official architect on this project," I smile.

"Cool, I have some good ideas."

It's like a big weight had been lifted off our chests. I'm glad to have been able to talk things through with it. Now, we can start to look in the future and think about the next step we're going to take.

If things go well, and I'm hoping for it, then our family will soon count another member.

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**Thanks for reading**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em….**

**A/N: Sorry guys, real life sucks sometimes and aside from that, I've just been lazy.**

**Catherine's POV**

As soon as I pull up in front of the house, I know something was up. The lights are off. They are never off with a teen in the house. Lindsey knows how to turn a light on, but not how to turn one off. A quick glance up and down the block tells me that it isn't a power outage. What the fuck is Sara up to?

I slam the door of my truck shut and stomp up to the door. I take a few calming breaths before slowly and quietly swinging the door open. Soft music—Sara McLachlan—assaults my ears. I slip inside and shut the door behind me, dropping my bag to the floor. I put my keys down on the table and shed my jacket before heading into the kitchen. The candles randomly lit around the room are not lost on me. The faint scent of roses fills the air and as I narrow my eyes to look around the room, I see a trail of them heading up the stairs.

A romantic evening after what she's done? She has to be kidding me. This rollercoaster ride with Sara is getting monotonous. I love the woman with all my heart—every fiber of my being—but even love isn't enough when I feel like my heart and my emotions are being toyed with.

I grab a beer out of the refrigerator and move to the bottom of the stairs. I know she's up there and waiting patiently for me. I can't find it in myself to give in and walk up those stairs. I stand there a few more minutes and think about Sara, our life and the possibility of what could have been before sitting my unopened beer on the table by the door and grabbing my keys and shutting the door behind me. I'll just spend the night at Nancy's and avoid the confrontation with Sara. I have neither the energy nor the desire for a fight with her and despite her overwhelmingly romantic gesture, that's exactly what it would become.

A few minutes later, I find myself on Nancy's doorstep.

"Hey sis, room for one more tonight?" I ask with half a smile.

Her reaction is unreadable at first and then crystal clear. "Sorry, the inn is full tonight. You'll just have to go home and deal with your problems instead of running away from them."

With that, she shuts the door in my face and the porch light goes out. I stand there for a few moments expecting her to the open the door and let me in, but she never does.

With my head hung low, I trudge back towards my truck. As I open the door, I catch light pouring across the lawn. I turn back around and find my little or not so little girl standing in front of me. I try to pull her into my arms. Instead of hugging me back, she stiffens and pulls back.

"I love Sara, Mom. Please don't leave her."

I smile weakly as the tears puddle in the corners of my eyes. "I'm not leaving Sara, baby. We're just having a hard time right now. You'll understand when you get older," I try to soothe her as I tuck an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

"I understand right now. You're being stubborn and selfish."

I look up and see my sister's shadow standing in her doorway. "What else did Aunt Nancy say?"

"A lot of things that would get me in trouble if I repeated them," she cast a backwards glance at her aunt before continuing. "But she didn't say that, I did. You always tell me to talk through my problems, Mom. Please talk to her. It's not as bad as you think it is."

She turns on her heel and runs back inside as quickly as she had come out.

Nothing compares to being set straight by your teenager. I get back in my truck and drive back to the house. The living room light is on as is the light in our bedroom. I feel sick to my stomach as I climb out and cautiously approach the front door. As soon as I open the door, I notice that the candles are gone and the petals which had littered the floor have disappeared. There is no music playing and the house feels cold—devoid of all warmth. I'm sure the last is merely my imagination.

I put my keys on the table and turn out the living room light before ascending the stairs. I push our bedroom door open and see Sara still rushing to put everything away that she had out for our romantic evening.

She doesn't bother looking me, just walks past me to put the candles away. I grab her arm as she passes, but she yanks herself free and keeps going. I know better than to push the issue right now. Instead, I brush my teeth and strip down to my underwear and slide on a tank top. I'm putting my hair up when I hear the bedroom door shut. Before I can get back into the bedroom, Sara is already beneath the covers and as close to the edge of the bed on her side as she can get without falling to the floor.

I turn off the lights and slide in bed behind her. I mold my body against hers and drape an arm over her waist as I lightly kiss the back of her shoulder. She stiffens at my touch and shrugs away from me before taking my hand in hers and flinging it from around her.

"Baby, I'm sorry," I attempt to smooth things over. Lindsey might not have been right, but she wasn't far from it. Unless Sara and I can get back on track, we're headed toward our end.

Her tone is flat and emotionless when she says, "Don't worry. It's okay."

I know she's hurt. Actually that might be an understatement. I sigh heavily and attempt to pull her back against me, "No, don't say that. It's not okay. I know that. I _know_ that."

She jerks away from me again and adds, "What do you care anyway?"

That stings. I wonder if she really believes that I don't care or if she's so hurt by my actions of only an hour ago that she's trying to convince herself that I don't.

I lower my voice and try to convey how much I care. "I do care, Sar. You know I do. It was all so romantic. It just," my voice trails off as I weigh how to broach this subject with her.

"It what?" she asks curtly.

"Romantic gestures just seem out of place when you consider that we've barely been talking."

She flips over to her back and laughs harshly. "I was trying to reach out to you and you," she tosses the sheet off of her. "You ran away. You ran away from me, Cath. It doesn't matter now. I'm tired. Just…just go to sleep."

I can't stand the state of things between us right now. This is the woman I would willingly risk everything for…this is the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with…this is the woman that I am utterly and helplessly in love with.

I roll over on top of her and gaze down at her. She's not amused.

"Get off of me."

Like a child begging for absolution, my voice quivers and shakes as I utter one simple word, "Please."

She lets out a slow, deep breath and opens her eyes to gaze up at me. "What do you want, Catherine?"

Tears are brimming at my eyes and threaten to spill out, "I love you. I fucked up and I'm sorry."

She looks away and adds, "I'm trying here. I really am. Things have been really rough, but I'm trying, Cath."

"…and I haven't," I interrupt her.

"That's not what I'm saying."

"No," the tears finally start to fall. "I'm saying it."

She pushes me away as gently as possible and stands.

I reach for her hand but she moves farther away, "Please don't, Sar."

"Do you," she pauses and then turns around to face me, "Do you want to give up on us?"

"What?" I jump to my feet. "I'm not giving up on us. Are…are…are you?"

"Do you think I'd have gone to all the trouble tonight if I was giving up on us?" She motions wildly around the room, reminding me of the lengths she had gone to in order to give us a special evening.

I grab her hand and pull her to me, "No….I'm sorry."

"You hurt me," she breathes.

I cup her cheek in my hand, "And you changing your mind hurt me."

She yanks free of my touch and anger flares in her again, "I haven't! I thought we had been through this already. You know what? I don't want to fight. I don't have it in me."

The will to fight her left me long ago. I sit down on the edge of the bed and hold my hand out to her, "I don't either. Please come back to bed."

When she sits down and leans against my shoulder, I know that our discussion has not ended.

"You know, I…" her voice trails off.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and kiss her temple, "You what, baby?"

"It doesn't matter," she admits weakly. "I just…I ….I just wish you hadn't run away. Now, let's sleep."

She slid beneath the covers and moved over to what was ordinarily my side of the bed and held the covers up, wanting me to slide in behind her.

"But I came back," my answer is almost a whisper and surely barely perceptible even to her.

My response is weak, I know that. But knowing my Sara, she's going to want to explore my answer.

"Why? Why did you come back?"

"What? Why wouldn't I come back? You're here. You're my home," I offered.

When she speaks, her tone belies that she knows more than she's admitted thus far, "I know you, Catherine. What's the real reason you came back?"

"Nancy wouldn't let me stay and then, let's just say that our daughter is more mature than I am sometimes," I turn to face her, moving closer to her on the bed and taking her hand in mine. "If I hadn't left…If I had come upstairs…what would have happened?"

"I wanted us to have a special night. I wanted all the problems to disappear. I just wanted it to be like it was…just you and me…and in love. I wanted all of that to come back. But the thing is, you didn't come upstairs."

I lie on my side and face her, "But they haven't left, baby." I pull her firmly against me, "I'm hurt about the baby situations, but my feelings for you have never wavered. Have yours?"

I can feel her shaking her head against me and I continue, "I love you, Sara Sidle. I love you and all of our problems and everything that makes us…us. And I'm going to fuck up. I'm going to do stupid things and say ignorant things and despite that, one thing will never change. I will always love you. My heart…my love…will eternally be yours."

She turns to face me and our lips meet in a tender yet fleeting kiss. My fingers slide easily through her hair and my breath hitches as I feel her body press against mine. She rolls me over, easily straddling my body with hers. She laces our fingers together and pins my hands at either side of my head as she begins to grind against me slowly, rotating her hips.

My blue eyes lock on her chocolate orbs and we move in unison, our bodies fused together in a dance as old as time, each intent on bringing the other pleasure and closure to our fight.

XXXX

The next few weeks go by in a haze. Both Sara and I are working 12 hour shifts since someone is always at a conference and several people from day shift are in isolation after being exposed to TB at a scene. There is very little time for the two us to spend together and we are merely two ships passing twice a day. When we do see each other, we try to grab whatever time we can for a quick kiss or an obligatory, yet affectionate 'I love you.'

After what had been a particularly awful shift, I walk out into the blistering Vegas morning sun and see Sara leaning against her truck. I walk toward her and find myself pulled into a warm hug.

"Hey there, sexy," she purrs as she kisses my temple. "I feel like I haven't seen you in…"

"…twelve hours?" I interrupt. I pull away from her and stare into her eyes, "Your shift started a couple of hours ago. Are you just now getting here?"

She takes my hand and walks around to the passenger's side and opens the door for me. I just look at her blankly.

"What's going on here, Sara?"

She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a blindfold and slips it over my eyes. "We're going for a little ride. I want the destination to be a surprise. Do me a favor and leave this on?" she asks she uses my hand to guide me into the seat of her truck. She reaches across me and fastens my seat belt and then I hear the door close.

Her door opens a few seconds later and soon the engine starts and we're on our way to wherever she's taking me. The ride to our destination is in silence. I don't question her and she doesn't speak. Her hand is on my thigh and gently squeezing. I'm both nervous and fearful of what I have no idea.

The truck stops and I hear Sara's door open and shut and then my door is being opened. She leans over me and undoes my seatbelt before taking my hand and helping me out of the truck. She pulls me to her and kisses me deeply. I immediately surmise we're not in a public place because there's no way Sara would kiss me like that if we were anywhere that someone might see us. I'm faintly aware of her hands on either side of my face and sliding into my hair. Only when she pulls away from the kiss do I realize she's removed my blindfold. I blink rapidly and squint against the bright light and take in my surroundings.

I turn to face her and find her smiling cheekily at me.

She takes my hand in hers and dizziness overtakes me.


End file.
